When I was first told to be more self-compassionate after my husband’s death, I had to look the word up in the dictionary. I couldn’t grasp what it meant, nor what it entailed. I had just spent nearly six years caring for my husband, who had been diagnosed with a terminal brain tumour. I was exhausted on every level—physically, mentally, and emotionally.
So, I set out to learn about self-compassion, and it didn’t take long before I encountered the work of Kristin Neff, a leading researcher in self-compassion, and her colleague Chris Germer. In her TEDx talk, “The Space Between Self-Esteem and Self-Compassion,” Kristin explains that self-compassion is about treating ourselves with the same kindness and care we would offer a good friend. Most of us know very well what that means: listening patiently, feeling the pain of the other, holding hands, providing tea, biscuits, and tissues, offering support, and agreeing that the situation is indeed ‘shite’ when it feels just like that (Please, excuse the expletive!) Somehow, when it comes to ourselves, we tend to go in the opposite direction. We judge ourselves, tell ourselves to ‘get a grip’ and ‘just get on with it’. If we witnessed someone else behaving like this toward someone else, we’d call them heartless. So, often we find ourselves being heartless towards ourselves.
Sometimes I hear people worry that too much self-compassion might turn them into ‘a wuss’ or a ‘self-absorbed egomaniac’. But as Brené Brown has shown in her research on vulnerability, admitting what’s really going on and connecting with our feelings is actually a source of strength. Kristin emphasises that self-compassion is about embracing ourselves as we are, flaws and all. It’s not about wallowing in our struggles but about recognising that our suffering is part of being human.
It’s also not about comparing ourselves to others and thinking, “Oh, people have it worse.” Pain is pain. It’s about acknowledging that we share this pain with thousands, maybe millions of others—whether we’re going through relationship problems, illness, job difficulties, or grieving the loss of a loved one. This shared humanity is one of the three core components of self-compassion that Neff identifies, alongside self-kindness and mindfulness.
Self-kindness doesn’t only mean treating ourselves without judgement but also connecting with our own needs. This can be hard for some, probably many, of us, especially Gen Xers, who were raised not to express their needs openly. Yet, remember Neff explains, that acknowledging and caring for our needs is not a sign of weakness but a source of strength. Self-compassion activates the caregiving system in our brains, releasing oxytocin and helping us feel safe and calm. When we’re in this balanced state, we are better able to face life’s challenges with resilience. So, how about asking yourself, next time when you feel out of sorts or overwhelmed, “What do I need right now?”.
Hollywood and social media have not done us any favours. They often show us only the bright side of life, leaving us feeling like failures when things don’t go perfectly. Self-compassion, however, is about embracing the ups and downs as the normal state of human existence.
If you’d like to explore more about the power of self-compassion, I encourage you to watch Kristin Neff’s TEDx talk: “The Space Between Self-Esteem and Self-Compassion”.